How To Play the Great Spice War of 2024

It's Election Day. Huzzah!

Dear Fellow Expat:

It started with a simple statement.

“You know what I don’t have in my house,” the waitress said as she cut her salad. “Lemon pepper.”

“Oh, I don’t like lemon pepper,” the bartender said, watching a stain on the mirror.

“What?” the waitress replied, dropping her fork.

“Me neither,” said a second waitress, who’d just walked into the conversation.

With that… a debate began.

It was Election Day. According to my wife, we’re now in airport lounge hours.

Calories don’t count.

You can have a beer at 10 am without judgment.

You’re allowed to wander around in sweatpants.

I went to a restaurant for an early lunch. As the only customer, I listened to them debate the merits of lemon pepper on chicken, salmon, and tofu. Why not?

I kept my head down, eyes on my computer. The chatter continued, but they couldn’t seem to resolve their views.

“Do you like lemon pepper?” the pro-Lemon pepper waitress then asked. “Excuse me.”

I looked up, dumb, silly. I pointed to myself. Me?

I realized I was the only person there, now on the spot. I went rogue in my response.

“Well, I shouldn’t talk about it,” I started. “You see, my mother never let me eat lemon pepper while growing up. Then, I married a woman who loves lemon pepper. My mother doesn’t know this. My wife does. And now, Thanksgiving is awkward…”

I trailed off. Silence followed…

Then, the second waitress got the joke. “You had me going for a minute.”

This had lasted about five minutes, so it was an excellent way to defuse the situation. Plus, I was leaving. On my way out, I congratulated them for exercising their Democratic rights to debate on election day.

“We need to be careful arguing over this,” the second waitress laughed.

“Right,” I said. “Suddenly, you start praising lemon pepper, and then one of the customers is a hardcore Montreal Seasoning fan,” I said halfway out the door, thinking I’d told the most profound thing.

Nope.

“Wars have been fought over less,” the second waitress said.

I stopped - to think for a split second.

Have they?

To The Internet

We know the Spice Wars were real.

They were a series of conflicts in the 16th and 17th centuries involving a multi-country battle between Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands, and England.

The nations fought to control the lucrative spice trade in Asia, especially the “Spice Islands” (Maluku Islands). These wars marked intense competition, shifting alliances, and brutal colonial tactics for nutmeg, cloves, and pepper.

But in the history of absurdity, one must look a little deeper.

For example, the War of the Oaken Bucket. The scent: 1325 in Modena and Bologna. Here, two rival Italian city-states clashed over a symbolic wooden bucket.

Turns out that Modenese soldiers stole this “trophy in Modena.” The event escalated into the Battle of Zappolino, a significant battle involving thousands of soldiers.

Or what about the Pig War? This happened on San Juan Island, between Canada and U.S. territories, in 1859. A British pig trespassed and damaged crops on an American settler’s property. Fortunately, diplomacy and reason prevailed.

In 1739, Britain declared war on Spain because Captain Robert Jenkins told officials that Spanish soldiers cut his ear. This event, known as the War of Jenkins’ Ear, led to military engagement and trade disputes in the Caribbean.

Or consider the Football War. In 1969, El Salvador and Honduras experienced a four-day conflict and violent riots over… World Cup qualifying matches.

And - of course - there’s the 1932 Emu War.

Picture this: Australian soldiers are deployed in the Western part of the nation to fight emus that have been destroying crops. The emus, with Matrix-like reflexes, are able to evade gunfire. Australia loses a war to the emus.

What’s the Point Here?

On Election Day, we remind everyone of the Republic’s golden rule.

Mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself.

Today’s an important day because of what it represents - a sovereign right of individuals to exercise (or not) their voices.

I think in the end, what we can all agree upon on election day is low prices.

So, whether you’re a Lemon Pepper person or a Montreal Steak seasoning fan, a PlayStation owner or an Xbox gamer, a butter side-up or butter-side-down eater…

Remember Walmart.

No matter who wins the election today, remember this is Election-proof.

It’s the largest grocery store in America.

It’s the largest retailer in the country.

It’s been pumping tons of money into its e-commerce platform.

It benefits from continued share demand for ETFs and other passive investments looking to replicate the S&P 500.

And shares continue their strong momentum. If you’re looking for a stock that can withstand the coming monetary inflation pressures, ensure you never run out of stock, and deliver great returns for the future, stick with the obvious names.

I’ll discuss the election winners and losers in the days ahead.

Stay positive,

Garrett Baldwin

Secretary of Crushed Red Pepper